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Check out these signs and find out if you’re being too picky with dating men.
1. Your checklist hasn’t changed in the last five years.
When you began dating you probably had a list of all the kinds of men you wouldn’t have anything to do with, like somebody who wore argyle sweaters and Dockers or who had a paunchy stomach. But if your soulmate list hasn’t evolved, you are probably holding on to rather skewed notions of what is important in your Mr. Right. As you grow older, your priorities SHOULD change. What mattered terribly when you were 22 should not continue to hold your now (hopefully) more emotionally mature priorities hostage, sister. In your twenties, you may have not even considered any man who had children from previous marriages or who wasn’t very, very, very, very good looking. But now you are a little older and wiser and you really want to start looking for a man with special important traits.At this stage of your life examine what you really need from a relationship and stick to that, keeping in mind that you are looking for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. When you start to think differently, this will not only prevent you from being picky about unnecessary things but will help you to be clear on what exactly are the real priorities for you now, not 10 or 20 years ago.
When you began dating you probably had a list of all the kinds of men you wouldn’t have anything to do with, like somebody who wore argyle sweaters and Dockers or who had a paunchy stomach. But if your soulmate list hasn’t evolved, you are probably holding on to rather skewed notions of what is important in your Mr. Right. As you grow older, your priorities SHOULD change. What mattered terribly when you were 22 should not continue to hold your now (hopefully) more emotionally mature priorities hostage, sister. In your twenties, you may have not even considered any man who had children from previous marriages or who wasn’t very, very, very, very good looking. But now you are a little older and wiser and you really want to start looking for a man with special important traits.At this stage of your life examine what you really need from a relationship and stick to that, keeping in mind that you are looking for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. When you start to think differently, this will not only prevent you from being picky about unnecessary things but will help you to be clear on what exactly are the real priorities for you now, not 10 or 20 years ago.
2. You cannot look beyond the physical.
Of course, almost everyone SAYS that beauty is only skin-deep, but I’ve known women who meet men who were WONDERFUL to them, absolute gentlemen who treated them well and wanted the same type of committed, relationship that they did, only to hear after awhile, “I just don’t think he’s fit enough” or “he doesn’t dress the way I like”. Listen, if you keep refusing dates and possible AMAZING relationships solely on the basis of what a person looks like, you are not giving yourself a chance to delve deeper into what really matters. No one guy is perfect. And that George Clooney lookalike that you’ve been searching for may just have his physical preferences in women set at an equally shallow, supermodel-only level. Finally, those six pack abs won’t be much real comfort when you are down with flu or solace when you lose a family member. Go for something more than that, because ultimately attraction isn’t the most important thing. Yep, I said it: Attraction isn’t the most important thing!
Of course, almost everyone SAYS that beauty is only skin-deep, but I’ve known women who meet men who were WONDERFUL to them, absolute gentlemen who treated them well and wanted the same type of committed, relationship that they did, only to hear after awhile, “I just don’t think he’s fit enough” or “he doesn’t dress the way I like”. Listen, if you keep refusing dates and possible AMAZING relationships solely on the basis of what a person looks like, you are not giving yourself a chance to delve deeper into what really matters. No one guy is perfect. And that George Clooney lookalike that you’ve been searching for may just have his physical preferences in women set at an equally shallow, supermodel-only level. Finally, those six pack abs won’t be much real comfort when you are down with flu or solace when you lose a family member. Go for something more than that, because ultimately attraction isn’t the most important thing. Yep, I said it: Attraction isn’t the most important thing!
I remember when I was on my search for my beloved. In my early 20’s, all I truly cared about was, was the guy I dated super good looking and did he drive a good car. Then, after years of dating these good looking men, I started to do that inner work I keep telling you about in all of these blog articles and that we do with our clients, and I had a breakthrough one day. I decided that I didn’t care if the next man I met looked like Quasimodo, if he had this #1 thing to look for in a man, and we clicked otherwise, I was going to love him.
I think this was an epiphany for me and allowed me to be more open and magnetic to better and better quality men, since I wasn’t just weeding them out by their looks before getting to know them better. And of course, I think by being WILLING to date Quasimodo (or simply a man who wasn’t supermodel material) in order to find true love, the universe gave me Johnny, who I believe to be a super handsome and more importantly, quality man!
4. You think chemistry is the most important thing.
Lots of women pay only a cursory glance at potential partners before declaring that “he just does not attract me”. While sexual magnetism is definitely important in a relationship it is not the only thing and especially not the first thing you should look for. Qualities like compassion, mutual compatibility and emotional maturity are equally if not more important if you want your partner to be there after the initial thrill is gone. This is not to say that you should give up on passion or chemistry but only that the prospect of a good relationship doesn’t always hit you like a bolt of lightning, as soon you walk up to your date, like you see in all those romcoms. Sometimes, chemistry takes time to build as you get to know someone, but you have to at least give it a chance to develop!
Lots of women pay only a cursory glance at potential partners before declaring that “he just does not attract me”. While sexual magnetism is definitely important in a relationship it is not the only thing and especially not the first thing you should look for. Qualities like compassion, mutual compatibility and emotional maturity are equally if not more important if you want your partner to be there after the initial thrill is gone. This is not to say that you should give up on passion or chemistry but only that the prospect of a good relationship doesn’t always hit you like a bolt of lightning, as soon you walk up to your date, like you see in all those romcoms. Sometimes, chemistry takes time to build as you get to know someone, but you have to at least give it a chance to develop!
Has “chemistry” ever led you astray before? Yeah, I thought so, ‘nuff said, ok?
It’s important to understand that there’s a difference between being “picky” and “unrealistic”. Now, at some level of course, you should be picky. If your goal is marriage, we’re talking about the one person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, so being a little choosy is good. Look at the tales of divorce, infidelity, domestic violence, serially crappy relationships — not to mention uncomfortable weddings where you know something’s off and it probably won’t last. Arguably, there are plenty of people who just aren’t picky enough.
Bottom line? Women who are looking for love for years and years most of the time are looking for the wrong things. Not only that, they are often expecting more of the man than they are of themselves. Now, you should have higher standards, of course. But most women (and men!) tend to be too picky about the things that aren’t that important — and not picky enough about the things that truly are.
Listen, when Johnny and I asked a couple who had been married 65 years what was the secret of their relationship, they DIDN’T say, “We each think the other is smoking hot!” No, what they answered was the “boring” stuff. Actually, the emotionally mature, REAL stuff. They said, “The secret? Trust, laughter, forgiveness, honesty, compassion, growing together, and shared values. We made a lot of mistakes those first years, so forgiveness should actually be at the top of the list.”
You need to remember that you’re making an investment for 40+ years, not three months. Who’s gonna stick by you to raise children, or when you get sick… or a parent dies? That’s the character stuff that only partially reveals itself on date #1. You need to look at what’s going to endure after the initial ‘thrill’ is gone.
Oh, and in case you think this “boring stuff” like character, kindness, and integrity isn’t so hot, doesn’t produce sizzle…let me just say this- Johnny is more handsome and hot to me now than when we first met, and he was 15 years younger then. Things are hotter now. WAY hotter. 15 years later. Now THAT’S chemistry!
I hope you find this week’s article helpful. As always, I love to hear from you look forward to your comment below here and I do my best to respond to every comment. Have a great week.
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